Depression

Idepresion

I want to be open with yall about the fact that I suffer from depression. Those who have depression know that it is not just about feeling sad.  This condition actually effects your quality of life and those in it. Everyone’s situation is different. Speaking from my own experience,  here are things that I struggle to do on a daily basis:

love myself

feel that I am good at anything

be around people

do my homework

not cry or feel angry

get out of bed

reach out to anyone

sleep well

feel anything but defeated

I wish that list were not true. More so, right now I wish I had a long  list of people that were willing to love and support me despite that list. The fact is, it’s really damn hard to get close to anyone with depression. If they let you in, please understand how special that choice was for them and treat the friendship tenderly.  There is not a single person that I tell the full truth to anymore. Maybe it is because the truth is scary. Or maybe it is because I don’t even know the truth. More than likely, I just feel safer keeping everyone that could leave me out.

Each day I wake up is different. Some days I wake up wishing I could learn to make things out of wood. Others, I want to design baby clothes.  A while back I had a fascination with learning to draw animals. I never opened the book though because that day passed and I had different dreams.  I feel very manic and will often clean the house for hours. It’s extremely difficult functioning and there are days I just want to stop. My condition is actually called major depressive disorder. I also suffer from PTSD and anxiety.

If you feel you are experiencing some of the above symptoms or have other negative ones, please, reach out to a counselor. For a long time the money issue held me back. I felt like I could not afford care so why try. I’m in a relationship though and if only for the sake of my boyfriend, I knew he deserved to see me fighting. I did find a clinic that took my insurance (which I am about to lose) but also does a sliding scale. Meaning that they will look at your pay stub and based off your income, charge you an amount per time. If you are low income, please call around and ask clinics if they offer a sliding scale.

Along with my counselor, I also go to a Psychiatrist at this clinic. I am on medication which has been a roller coaster in and of itself. I am choosing to not discuss what medication I am on because there are some things I would like to keep personal. Also, by no means what works for me will work for you (unfortunately). I wish it were that easy. I will tell you some of the medications I tried made me worse. It helps if you keep a journal of how you are feeling daily on a medication. If you notice a negative change, contact your Psychiatrist/Doctor immediately to ask for advice about what to do.

Know that you are not alone. I wish I could tell you a quick DIY to cure many disorders but unfortunately I cannot. I know things that bring comfort to me are:

Writing

Blogging

Reading

Photography

Traveling

DIY’s

Watching Youtube Dollar Tree Haul videos

Watching crime investigation shows

Again, everyone is different.  Be brave and hang in there. My heart goes out to everyone that is suffering.

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