Confusion & Career trouble & Mental Illness

Looking back at my last 29 years I am amazed that I survived it. I really am.

hilarious

I have always gone back and forth about what I wanted my career to be. For a while I focused on the medical field because I had heard that is where the money is. And Lord knows I needed that. I got my CNA certificate but never went on to get state certified. At some point I finally managed to get my Associate of Science in Social Sciences. Why I did this I can’t even remember. Later, I revisited the medical field with the idea at Charleston Southern of being a Nurse. I started with that as my major but then realized when I took a tour of the nursing building that as clean as it was, I was not interested. Thought of doing EMT course at Trident Tech. Realized after a lot of research that I can’t stand seeing blood or people hurt. yeah……..

Switched my major to Education. I took a Health and Old Testament class for a semester. It was a relief to be out of a medical major but I did not feel good with the Education major either. I met a nice girl that was 150% into her Education major. She was so happy and excited with the idea of being a teacher. The more she talked about it the more I wanted to get away from her. It had nothing to do with her, I just realized I made a mistake.

FUCK

I ended up leaving the college in the middle of this semester. I regret not at least finishing it out to get the credits because  my grandfather did pay for it. Hindsight is a bitch.

Later, I thought of going into Business. This has been my latest endeavor. I had  never tried this major and for a second it worked. I find business interesting and sometimes get books on how to save money. Rarely though do I get around to reading the books though. Hence, why I am always broke…. -_- I took two classes in Business. Business 101 and Business Ethics. God help you if you EVER take Business Ethics. I thought I was going to die that class felt so hard. After surviving it, I was burned out.  I was signed up for classes this semester but withdrew from everything. I feel miserable about the college and the cost to go. Also, I did not feel I was getting anything out of taking the classes. In all honesty, I probably was and withdrawing may have been a stupid decision.

My mind feels like  a roller coaster that never settles. I can never figure out the right path or like something for long enough to stick with it. I will love something hard for a moment and then the moment passes……  Can anyone relate to this? It is tricky and scary to try to organize your life when you never know who exactly you are going to be tomorrow. I went for a very long time without blogging but thankfully the desire to do that did come back.

Adding to the list of things I have tried is Photography. I did it often as a hobby for a long time. I even had an Etsy store. Then people started wanting me to do their portraits (I am horribly introverted) and offering to pay. I tried to push myself to do that but never good. Photography did not feel fun anymore now that people wanted to hire me. Instead of feeling complimented I shut down and stopped. The desire to do it is starting to come back.

I feel like I am on a Ferris wheel.

If you are struggling with career trouble and mental illness please do not feel alone. I am right there with you on all of that. I wish I knew what the answer was. I can tell you that out of EVERYTHING I have tried job wise that the one at only job I have been able to stick with is one at a vets office. I have worked as a Kennel Tech for years, feeding and caring for all the boarding/daycare animals. There is something VERY therapeutic about working with animals. You have to work with them in a setting that works for you. I tried working as a Veterinary Assistant and I did that for a little while. The euthanasias REALLY got to me. I found myself not being able to leave work at the door and crying all the way home. I went back to the kennel department and am much happier.

Though I enjoy it, I know financially I could not make it in Charleston, SC if I were single. That makes me VERY insecure. I am working on a savings account right now so I can build up some back up money. I am always planning and bracing myself for what is going to happen next. No longer do I carry around cans of soup in my trunk or luggage that has not been unpacked. So in many ways, things for a minute have gotten better.

Thanks for reading! I appreciate all the support and people that take the time to visit my blog. Have a good night!

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